It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
