You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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