Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
