Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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