i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
