My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
