So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
