Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
