If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
