Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
