I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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