i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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