Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
