did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
