Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
