woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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