I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
