you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
