Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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