I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
