seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
