I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
