I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
im holly from the hills drunk
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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