I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
