glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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