I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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