I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
