So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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