My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
