..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
