his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i think i just lost a toe
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