I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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