somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
