That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
