He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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