dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
