If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
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