At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
