worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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