I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize