dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
