the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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