he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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