The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Randomize
