2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
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