well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There's always time for handjobs
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
