I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I looked at my own cervix.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
