Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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