Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
