Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
