Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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