My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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