Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
