He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
