And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
