I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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