I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize