can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
