I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
