Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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