This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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