I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize