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when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
