if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
