Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
