1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
