I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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